HOOORRAAYYY!!!

I posted Monday about my visit to the doctor and how everything went. The office called me last night and said that my other blood work came back in and that my progesterone is low, so they have me on a prescription for the rest of my first trimester. They also said they wanted me in for an ultrasound...NOW. No answer why or anything. Needless to say last night was not very restful for me, even though I "slept" from 8:00 to 7:00 a.m.

I went in for my appointment this morning and the ultrasound tech reminded me that they wouldn't be able to hear a heartbeat but they just wanted to be sure the sac was growing at the right rate and the lack of progesterone didn't give me any problems. She was doing her thing, looking around and said that the sac is growing just fine and we could even see the baby! I was on cloud nine. She looked down quickly and looked a little puzzled. She twisted a knob and I started to hear a heartbeat. I jokingly asked her how she was able to tell that was my heartbeat and not the baby's and she laughed a bit and told me it WAS the baby's! She was just as surprised as I was!

I just wept uncontrollably as she congratulated me. I composed myself, thanked her and checked out of the office. In the parking lot, I called Justin and broke the good news. It was the first time he was genuinely excited! I could hear the relief in his voice as I bawled my eyes out talking to him in the parking lot. I am so relieved. I know anything can happen, but a little bit of unexpected good news is great!

Waiting

Friday I went to the doctor's office to get a few things checked on. The ultrasound tech was able to see baby's little hideout, but we won't go back for another two weeks to see/hear a heartbeat. I am only about 6 weeks so I was there a little earlier than they usually bring patients in. Things are exciting! The nurses drew some blood and asked that I go to the hospital on Sunday (48 hours later) for a follow-up visit to check my HCG levels. I have my fingers crossed that everything is going smoothly and that my levels doubled by Sunday.

Did you know that if you have to have blood drawn at the hospital, you have to be admitted as an outpatient? I had to register at the ER desk, which kinda freaked me out. I really didn't think it would be in our best interest to go to the ER to get some generic labs drawn. The intake nurse assured me that that was not the case. They do regular admittance on the weekend. WHEW! That eased my mind!

*Also, I was not driving when I snapped these pics--we were stopped in the parking lot before we left :)

Cautiously Optimistic

Cautiously optimistic... that's what I'm feeling right now. Last weekend, my friends Lori and Jeremy got married and I was CRAZY BUSY! We were totally exhausted and thank goodness Monday was Labor Day or I wouldn't have had a chance to wind down. On Monday morning, I realized it had been a while since, ahem, I had my visitor. I ran to the store, picked up a Clear Blue Easy, and waited.

The packaging said to wait two minutes for results. I was so nervous, I started counting the seconds out loud. I heard Justin walk through the front door and crash on the couch (he was up at 5:00 a.m. for a bird hunt). Shaking, I looked up and saw a big fat plus sign that definitely meant positive! Given the circumstances of what I went through in May, I find myself being a little reserved about this one. I stumbled into the living room and Justin sleepily asked me who I was talking to (because I had been counting out loud). I just held out the wand and broke down into tears.

Still sleepy, I don't think Justin fully realized what was going on and asked me what that meant. I told him it meant that I was pregnant. His eyes welled up for just a second and he hugged me and we shared a great moment in our lives.

Last time, I couldn't hold back the news from my middle sister and it was almost as devestating telling her that I wasn't pregnant any more as it was hearing the news from the doctor. This time, Justin and I are going to wait until we get official verification from my doctor. The good news is that when I went to see her in July she scheduled me for a follow up visit on September 21, so I only have to wait a week and a half to see her. She told me last time that if she was a betting woman that she would bet I was pregnant by the end of the year. I'm gonna get her to pick out some lottery numbers for me when I visit too!

P.S. I looked back at that previous post and I was being a royal brat. It just so happens that it looks like right around that time is when we conceived. I'm thinking we're going to have a little May baby--what a great birthday present!

Geez! I wish these doctors would decide on what they think is wrong with me and stick to it! I went back to the doctor in July becuase my OB/GYN wasn't there the first time and I just saw a nurse practioner. Dr. A said after reviewing my file and my ultrasounds, she thinks I was actually pregnant, just a three or four weeks along when I miscarried. I have come to peace with this and have accepted that nature does hard things for us to spare us greater heartache in the end. She told me she didn't see anything alarming and that if she was a betting woman, we would be pregnant by the end of the year if that was what we wanted.

Justin and I are kinda letting things go organically for the time being. I dread the thought of charting, testing, etc. It's only been a year since I've gone off my BC, so I am still confident. I have days where I really appreciate being able to have Justin all to my self, but there are hard times too, like today where all I want is to be able to shout from the rooftops, "I'M PREGNANT!" for all the world to hear and celebrate. I see cute little baby things, snuggly blankets, and of course the six people I know personally that have recently announced their own pregnancies. I have a hard time lately with bitterness and anger that they're pregnant and I'm not. The ones that really grate my nerves are posting on Facebook every thirty minutes about how terrible their pregnancy is or how much they hate being pregnant. I will LOVE to have morning sickness and water weight and all of those "terrible" things!

I just feel a bit pouty today and wish so badly that I had a better attitude about it all.

Waiting for Answers

I know my last post was just around Mothers' Day. To recap, Justin and I went to the OB/GYN and found out that I didn't miscarry, but in fact I was never even pregnant. I was such a wreck and cried for a while. I hated telling my sister and Justin and my mama. I felt defective. People have problems way worse than mine and still I felt as if I had done something wrong.

I read and read as much as I could and still don't understand why I would have three false positive tests. My doctor told me that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which could be semi-normal or very bad, depending on whose personal accounts you read. I had my thyroid and hormone levels checked and everything came back normal. I still don't know what's wrong with me and what actions we're going to have to take to have a little one. I am still young and we've been married less than two years, but 30 is creeping up on Justin soon.

I go back to the doctor today for some more answers hopefully. Updates soon.

Mother's Day

Tough times around the Cook house this week. I got some bad news on Friday, but I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday for some more information. It was helpful that we were so busy this weekend with my birthday and the porch being built, but Mother's Day kinda sucked in my opinion. I got this from B is for Baby. No infertility diagnosis for me, but loss is hard to cope with in any capacity.

“Happy Mother's Day”

It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

The Gooblet

This one's kinda funny. Since I'm still undecided if I want to know the sex of our little one, we have had to come up with a gender neutral nickname until the time comes for a proper name. When Justin was in high school (and still to this day to some people) he was known as Goober. I know--it's the most country nickname a person can get! 

Goober is a slang term for peanut; it may be used to informally refer to a person who is acting silly or funny. It can also reference Goober Pyle from the Andy Griffith Show.

When I see people from high school and we're catching up on what's been going on for the past five years and I tell them Justin and I are married, they usually ask, "But what happened to Goober?! Ya'll dated all through high school!" It takes them a little bit to figure out that Justin and Goober are one and the same.

Someone told Justin in high school that his kids would be "The cutest little Gooblets ever!" Thus the nickname of our little one. Tomorrow is my birthday and on Saturday we're having my parents, Justin's parents, and our siblings over to celebrate my birthday and Mothers' Day. We're dropping the big news on them then! I am so excited about that part!!!!

I wanted to do something really cute for Mothers' Day for the new grandmoms, so I bought cards from "The Gooblet." Baby Cook is going to be my parents' first grandchild and Justin's parents' fourth. Here's what they look like:

This one is for my mama and Mrs. Desiree's says, "Thanks for having my daddy!"

I can't wait for them to get these this weekend!